Monday, December 6, 2010

Fear, baby, fear*

Its that time of year again, the hearing loss chapters come and come and come ...
I've had a cold for the past week along with the kids and HubsJ not so much. bastards. any time I have a headcold, my hearing goes down to like 30% and I miss a whole hell of a lot of what is going on. a whole hell.
The kids have been re-watching a video I got when my hearing was gone, sign-a-lot, and I have been remembering how completely insignificant I felt that all I could do for my twoandahalf year old was give him an insipid video with the signs for 'happy' and 'salad' in it... and E was only two months old at the time so its all new for him... the video is fine, its just the utterly small gesture against a giant wave that the deafness was.
And so I am scared. I am completely scared. what if it happens again? what am i going to do? how am i going to take care of my kids? How am i going to stand missing all that I miss? How can I stand missing all that I miss right now?
We got the christmas tree and hubsJ and I fell asleep on the floor in front of it and I was consumed with fear that this would be my last night hearing.  It wasn't .  but there it is.  We'll see how tonight goes. and then the morning. . .

* i know, wisdom says that I can't spend my time worrying about something that may not happen or certainly hasn't happened RIGHT NOW. and i have to state finally and for the record, I AM NOT WISE.