Friday, December 17, 2010

Mind Control

Its either a sign of a deteriorating mental capacity or something that mothers live through, I can't tell. Probably something of both, which makes the double whammy one that I can't figure out.  I'm talking about :The random and often horrifying thoughts that pass through my brain on a semi-regular basis, usually regarding my children's safety but sometimes my own, but I have the brilliance of brain to plot out how horrific my own demise will destroy the lives of all of those around me.  BRILLIANT.  It does seem to come in waves, it is not every day at all, but There have been times when I have had to wake HubsJ to talk to me because the 'visions' have been so horrible and I need to counteract them with reality, boring old reality.  They really are awful things and not one single one of them is real, or even likely... and yet there they are, so damn dark...keeping me awake in their distracting, improbable fashion.  And I know how many times I talk about Chakra Carol here, but my lord,  you should imagine the number of times I chant her words to myself to try and clear out the horrors of my own head.  Don't be so tolerant of what you let pass through your mind. . . FOR CHRISSAKES.  Is this JUST a mother thing? Or am I particularly susceptible?
     I am working on it, I've developed an inner shout that can clear the images during the day time, it is getting easier and more likely that I can sweep it out, after all, it is completely and totally unreal, not present, and not part of my own body of 'right now'.  Nighttime though, I have a harder time fighting it off and will find myself waking and going to check on the kids (um, rolling over)  before I can do the inner shout...
I'm very happy about the development of my daylight shout... but I do wonder about what causes this sort of darkness to creep into my head. Its pretty damn impressive.  I've got to go get me some Freud, or Jung. . . I bet they've got some ideas. 
Da Motha? ....


Valerie said...

I could have written this post myself. You are not alone in having these thoughts...but they're just thoughts.