Friday, October 21, 2011

More Lack... oh really? is it conundrum time?

HubsJ says he likes the thread of 'don't believe the lack'... but wants a sweater, more more he says, manaical as always. The pressure is intense. heh.
My youngest wants to play 'elephant punching a car' and this is the umpteenth time, it is 8 AM and I am feeling dissatisfied. (the game is not a joke. the cars are the badguys... it also has a polar bear.. ?:) I had a whole tigerscouts/boy thing meeting time earlier this week to have the house to myself (in the evening!) and I was downright pissy about wandering from place to place and my god, i can't for the life of me imagine what it'll be like when most of the time the kids are at school.  where the hell are my inner resources?  I read somewhere in the Patti Digh world that I can do a self-check at lunchtime and if I haven't done something to be proud of, then I've still got the rest of the day.  I've been trying hard, as always, most of the time... And sometimes the proudness just comes from sewing on a damn tigercub patch, you dig?  or sweeping the floor or looking at fabric in an industrious way, or playing go fish a multitude of times. or yes, 'elephant punching a car'.  even posting here is a fillerupper, although the curiousity and desire for feedback is rather a blankspace... And so mostly I've been choosing to change my perspective, to look at the small things being weighty, as they are. but there are those days, and certainly those moments, where my dissatisfaction belies my belief system.

The whole question surrounding a 'belief in lack' of the last post is not just one of faith in G-d, it can be the 'universe' or 'the way things work'... whatever floats your boat.  If I believe that the world is essentially balanced, then I also have to believe that the balance occurs continually after a series of ups and downs.  right?  believing that it is balanced and always balanced is to discount the lives that we actually experience, yes? the lives where we sometimes believe in lack. or act like it.

If I'm certain that G is watching my back, then the dissatisfaction is what? saying no to G's plan? yikes... being a recalcitrant teen in the face of THE PLAN? oh.  huh.
All the fear I have for people in my family and the crazy, life-threatening choices they are making? um, if I believe G has their back too, then what? am I just forwarding a complaint that I don't like what G's plan looks like?

I'm really not saying this is easy, or that everyone has this belief system, but for me I find it lines up with several of the things on my list.  The more I meditate, the more I try to accept things as I find them, the more I come into line with the dismissal of 'lack'.  it just ain't there. and thankfully, it is a terrible word to say, as well as type, so its loss will not hurt.