Monday, October 24, 2011

Forcefield of 'Shove Off'... I have one, do you?

Otherly titled: Things I have noticed about myself lately and I cannot believe I am 37 years old, still.

*I have to expose yet another personality troublespot that I've noticed lately, my physical incapability to sit close to someone that I have anger/confusion for... do i have a repellent barrier? a forcefield of 'shove off'? I do.
*I also realized just this month that people can actually see me.  Yes, Yes, its true.  All those years and all those people that I was watching? oh yes, they saw me.  Some  of them wondered about me and why I was so quiet, some of them glanced away, some of them thought I was a snootyone. . . but dude. I JUST realized that this month.  and I am not even kidding you. I don't know what caused it or how it slowly made its way to my consciousness, but it is most definitely a calling out.  If, in fact, it IS TRUE that they have seen me ... then ALL of the times that I have looked away or turned without calling out to them or introducing myself... they have seen that too.  I can't imagine what it must have been like. 
*I am considering AGAIN the impending doom of my ability to be pregnant.  and I don't know what to do about it.seeing people with babies is hurting a little bit. but not seeing people with one year olds, or two year olds. hm.  AGAIN.

oh, and thats it. does any of it fit into a 'lack' question of faith? hm. well, the pregnancy question is difficult because i am currently in hot pursuit of prophylactics in 'loving' and so am actively not trying to get me a baby. so, there is no lack because i am blocking the pass. yay me.  what? i don't know either.
as for the 'my god, people see me?' wackiness, i think perhaps getting older and seeing the multitudes of experiences makes for a better vision. less projection, more introspection? hmmm.
shove off forcefield? i should probably just spit out all the anger/confusion and sit tight with the physical reaction til it dissipates, yes?

working on it over here.  ...


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

I love the fact that you are in "hot pursuit of prophylactics." I would like my husband to be in hot pursuit of a vasectomy myself.