Today's Post is provided by my sister, to keep the hope alive that I can do a whole month without missing a beat, and also travel away to celebrate the commitment of two very dears. *******************************************
The day after 11/11/11, Madeira was put to sleep.
I can only imagine her namesake Portuguese island saluted this 18-year-old cat, perhaps an extra crash of wave upon the rocky volcanic shoreline.
For weeks, she hadn’t eaten. I was in denial for awhile, irritated at her persnickety aversion to certain wet, smelly cat food in favor of other smelly, wet cat food. She would tentatively approach, sniff and turn away. Scare drove me to the vet.
My hand could glide down her back and her spine speed-bumped my palm. Boney hip bones protrude and concave at the same time. Waiting it out. But for what? To get more awful? For something “bad enough” to warrant the ER trip at 3:00 am?
I won’t talk about the actual last vet visit. The wake afterward at Eastern Standard bar was the thing of it. Two friends came with me, old friends, familiar friends to me and Madeira. The sign of a good wake is when you come back out into the light of day, you feel conflicted about having laughter still on your tongue in the midst of a dark event. We laughed about her idiosyncrasies – drooling in the midst of a good chin rub, thumping the litter box to the point that you were sure someone was at the door, crazed racing with her fat pocket swinging underneath. We caught up on our still unfolding lives and reconnected.
The house is empty now and I think I see her gray fur turning the corner ahead. It is shockingly hard to sit with this sadness. Not sure why I am so surprised to miss her so, but I am. Hope I can use the emptiness to propel me forward, to seek and find that state of connection.