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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Is that what the question MEANT?

I always do self-checks on myself:  wicked important things like this, to myself... (and by always, i mean once in a while. )

BIG, OMNISCENT NARRATOR VOICE: Are you loved?

yeah, yeah, of course. i mean, the kids do... they can't help it, i'm the mother here. they have no choice.

and this...

B, Om..Narr..Voice :  Do you love?
yeah, oye, of course.  I mean, i'm the mother here. I have sex! with my husband, i clean underwears all the time... I feed the cats and the birds. I cook chickennuggets and hotdogs even though I hate them so..Yeh, Love.

and then there is this...
lower, closer...VOICE:  okay, kate, is that what the question meant? have you answered?
in the fullest of answers? meanings?

and then I get all stymied.  Do I really think the boys love me because they have no choice? really? Is there a reason I don't mention my husband who loves me, probably most of all the people in the world, most of the time?
and then again, with my own love for others... why is it mixed so deeply in with necessary things? things which honestly- except for the sex- I feel resentment for in the first place?

why is the vulnerability of admitting love, real love, so damn scary for me? I mean, my god, i am married! with children! one could just assume saying love exists for me to be a no-brainer.  but no.   
so what happens to me if i admit this vulnerability? is the universe going to test me within 5 minutes of my admission? will i be alone and bereft? so what is my attention focused ON all this time? am i avoiding real honest expressions of love because it may at some point not exist? is that really the way these things go?

and if i think i know the answer and don't know how to move, then what?

THEN WHAT?

3 comments:

Nancy said...

Ack! No way! I am paralyzed by the love thing this week...as we descend into Valentines muck. I think it's a great question....and you've started on a great answer. Great.

MotherOfGooses said...

yes...it is hard to separate the strands of devotion shared through laundry/toilet cleaning and the love I pictured myself giving to the ones closest to me.

wifemotherexpletive said...

yepa, its the mixup of devotions, i think... almost like a hairshirt type of love for/of the kids.. what i have for them and they for me, is much 'love'lier with some distance... and none of it what i have ever imagined, (in all its chaos and its grandeur. )
-also with the vulnerability... sheesh. still and forever, working on that one..