Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Without my children.

Where would I be if I were childless?  I've been thinking of it solidly for two days, Maven.  My instantaneous response was a feeling... I've had this feeling so many times, so many days, and it would be restlessness.  I'd be restless... seeking.   (maybe i'd be missing my kids, in their corporal forms... ?)  It surprised me, I tell you. 

Things that would be different?  I'd be living in a large city with my husband, if we were still together... without children, all those difficulties that we've shuffled through, might have been too much... or would there have been fewer difficulties? oh, i don't know. 
I'd be teaching children somewhere and getting paid for it...!...I'd be a professional, carping about vacations and hours worked and wacko parents and administrations.... we'd have a too-big cool place, with delicate beautiful things inside...maybe even candles...!  and we'd be traveling...maybe I would have seen Spain by now... its the Gaudi, see.  I'd have gone back to Scotland, to see if any of my old flatmates were still around... I'd certainly know where my passport was.  My relationship with my family would be more distant as we'd be literally more distant as well.   We moved here to have our children be near to grandparents, after all.  We would have probably missed my grandmother's death, her funeral as we would have been too far... possibly.  Its hard to imagine that I wouldn't have cut off my own arm to get there but perhaps, with so much distance....? I certainly wouldn't have had the time to clean out her fabric room, and what would I be 'making'?

I'd have really great clothing, I think. it might depend on which city I lived in...I'd love to copy Audrey Hepburn or Kate of the African Queen fame. Hepburn... have those two really always shared a last name and I've only just now noticed?! .. but I imagine my body would handle more 'normal' physique clothes...  I sort of think I'd be on the West Coast, northern style. . . or maybe we'd be traveling Europe for a while. 
We'd have too much money. an excess. . .
I think I'd be more self-centered.  Learning how much of life can be spent giving to others is one of the astonishing things we do as parents... the curve is steep. 
I'd go see foreign movies all the time.  I'd eat at restaurants where children never go...
I might not eat on blankets as often. 
I would never eat chicken nuggets, ever.  My child-pleasing cheesymeatybake would never have come to life.  no, it wouldn't and I wouldn't even know how sad a thing that is...
I'd read poetry.  My brain needs a certain space to concentrate on such imagery and rythmn and I haven't been able to do that for 6 years or so. 
I'd wonder why parents are always so stressed. I would judge them.  I wouldn't hang out at playgrounds. 
I would not know who DJ Lance was, or why the Mickey Clubhouse song was so irrational and peppy.
I'd still like the same music, Jen, which is pretty much everything... with a leaning towards old school hiphop, reggae and Spearhead... and Adele. . . smattering of 10,000 Maniacs and the Cranberries and the Sundays... I'm a girl of my 90's, I tell you.... I might even know more punk music, as I imagine I'd be doing 'exercise' of some sort ...bleagh. . . and you need to be pumped and punched in the gut to do that.... I'd probably know more about pop culture, and I'd watch more tv...although maybe we wouldn't have one at all, as we didn't during our earliest marriage? hmm.  I'd probably be able to handle more violence and scary stuff because I'd be desensitized. My God, Maybe I'd even watch the News!

Its amazing to think about, and also amazing? that instant recognition that I'd still be so deeply restless and seeking.... I'm so glad I have the life I do... Maybe in my sixties I will look like Katherine Hepburn! For Today, Its more Martha Plimpton than anything else.... and dats the truth, Ruth.

Thinking about it the past couple of days has been eye-opening a little bit.  Might be time to let go of those dreamings, it has been six years after all, of this child-presence in my life... what I do have is pretty astonishing in and of itself. 
and I can get some pretty awesome trouser pants (ala k.hepburn) anytime I choose.  okay, maybe they'll just sit in the closet or maybe they'll rip when i sit on a lego, but aye? ANYTIME I CHOOSE.


MotherOfGooses said...

that is true for me about violence. My kids and having them in my life have sensitized me to it. There are movies I cannot even consider watching now. This is a good question to think about. I definitely would know where my passport is!

And I'll Raise You 5 said...

My favorite post of yours ever. Awesome. Good reminder. I have no idea where my passport is either.