Sunday, January 31, 2010

chakra chakra chakra

so i had my meet-up with carol today,or back on thursday depending on when I post this... chakra carol that is... i told her about the blog and she laughed and thought 'chakra carol' was allright... and that now my husband greeting her as 'chakra carol' suddenly made more sense.


I was there so she could practice, sort of, integrating the Byron Katie stuff into her healing of people. She believes in it, wants to use it to help her clients but it is not as integrated into her being as all the bodywork she does... so she wants to roll it around a little.

the meeting was fine, but i'm left feeling sort of raw, impressionable, lump of uncolored playdough on the table-ish and where i go from here is anybody's guess. i think D, who was there too, really loves me and that is sort of awe-inspiring because i mostly feel like a big turdy fake. . . on the inside. I'm not actually fake, I don't tell lies and don't manipulate information, but somehow I still identify myself as turdy fake. take that home and cook it. turdy fake.
anyhow. vulnerable, raw, that is me .

i'm always working on it, and sometimes its just too much and I'm tired and I need a break and that is what this week has been for me. Time to think before I write. think about who I am RIGHT NOW because that is where I am at and spending all my time waiting for some other moment is a colossal waste.

and i do, spend a lot of time waiting. I just spent two nights away, at a hotel with my husband while my in-laws moved in to take care of the kids. I spent a hell of a lot of time talking myself into relaxing. All that hurry up stuff that I say to the kids has actually infiltrated my skin and I can't even get myself to chill anymore. its really quite remarkable. Two years ago right now, I went away for two nights by myself, after losing my hearing and I loved it a whole lot, but was really escaping from the difficulties of not being able to receive communications and the fear that I would always be struggling with people and their talk, language, laughter... I don't know what to do with my self these days.. but I'm going to 'not' wait for anything today. thats my plan.
* by the way, when I got home this morning, Sunday, the kids had markered their faces blue so they look like braveheart for children...


Amanda said...

I feel like a turdy fake sometimes too, for different reasons. very disconcerting.

The D said...

Yeah, ummm, didn't you hear that I too am a BIG turdy fake?

The D said...

and yes, I do really really love you. For the whole package- you turdy fake.