Sunday, January 3, 2010

love love love love crazy love

So I have this heart chakra walnut problem, but I am working on it...( a year later, into the game... ) trying to work on it... at least talking about it here. (but I am doing more than that.) I am not a particularly trusting person when it comes to intimacy of the love sort. And I do not mean physically, I'm talking about the much riskier notion of exposure, glimmering passions, laughing and being part of the laughtrack for someone else... its a tough sell for me to think of friends as people who can do for 'me'... I love people, like them at the least and yet, don't think there are so many out there who I would like to spend time with, that I would rely on in a pinch..(there are some, and i LOVE them, for real, for sure). I feel like its taken me at least two years to grow into admitting that I love my kids, not just 'am neccessary to..' my kids... you see the walnut? complex brainy thing with a very tough shell that actually requires a 'tool' to expose? yeah, thats me. I am what I am, popeye style.
I think I'm one of the good guys in the world, but mostly get by on what people assume I am , as I don't really show that much.
I do a lot of scary waiting... waiting to lose my hearing again, waiting to have a crohn's meltdown, waiting for this marriage thing to explode... and I can't bear to add more things (more love) to wait for or fear for... all these possibilities weigh me down sometimes.
My goal for the year is to cut down on my stress, let things go that I cannot change and so on. Do you know anyone who does NOT have that goal? At least I am in a familiar crowd there.
I think. I can't get Paul Simon out of my head. Maybe I love him. maybe. :)


Viv said...

I love Paul Simon, and I love cats, dogs, and furry things. I have to work to like people.