I'd like to tell you that I can hear what is going on downstairs and that the kid is fine.
but I can't hear a damn thing going on down there unless the floor shakes, and then I assume something very very large has fallen over. and the kid is fine.
I ignore them. or, more appropriately, I put them on the back burner and hold a space for hope - that everything will be allright, that I have put all the knives in the holder back far enough that they can't be reached from the floor, that somehow doing this, this writing/communicating/plea-ing thing is important for my own development of self-worth, that my taking a break from the constant mom chatter of 'careful..' , 'get down from there now.'..., 'don't eat that' ... my break is important. i hold the space for the hope to grow. seedling, mud, destiny. you see?
Friday, February 26, 2010
I'd like to tell you that I can hear what is going on downstairs and that the kid is fine.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Anywho... here I am on the motherload... I'm out of my mind bored but also sort of swelling at the seams and must need to rip a seam somewhere, tear the threads off their treads.
this is where I am on the mother road: silent e is a ninja... as performed on the new electric company... can't get it out of my head... will probably die when I am eighty-two, humming 'silent e is a ninja'...
SO. We all have mothers, presumably... technically, right?I've been on the tip of a sickness iceberg now for f'in ever... and I am looking for one... a mother. my husband is doing wonderfully, especially with his own wobbly health this week, but he is just not good enough. He's got an extra part. (my tone is weird as I write this so forgive me ahead of time if it is nonsensical) In my life, there have been so many of them.. women I have chosen, found, lived with.. who have played that mother role for me, taken on the compassion, selflessness package when called to do so- or when Not called to do so... and I've even done that for others in the same situations. Some of them were the mothers of my friends, even a teacher who became my motherinlaw eventually. Lots. It seems to involve straight talk, a willingness to ask an ugly question or two and an openness to have the reactions be what they are. I was accused by a frenemy when I was in college of being too mothery.. and I was, but now I look at that a lot differently, obviously. college was not a wonderful time for me. oh well.
who have you chosen? who'd you look to when you were a kid? there is a technical and then there is the grown, the most-often tended to , the mother-other.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Another of the things I have found useful in the pantheon that is byronkatie is this: you are doing what you are meant to be doing, because you are, in fact, doing it. SO. what this means to me, how I use it.... when it takes me two hours to rock a two year old to sleep, i say to my crazed brain 'this is what you are meant to be doing right now, the kid needs the physical warmth, the touch, he's been sick for a week, the warmth must be helping his mucus levels, PLUS you are keeping the snot from drowning him..' like that, thats how I use it. My crazed brain needs a lot of reminders because I am exhausted and can't think straight. I've put him on antibiotics now, which I am quite slow to do because I don't like them too much. but this is silly, the entire family is falling to pieces because I don't like antibiotics? Let the kid have some relief, and by doing so... the mom might be able to literally catch her breath again... literally. On the way home from school pickup today I had to count my breaths (while driving) to make sure I was taking them.... hysteria .
Bring on the amoxicillin, baby. Bring it on. This is perfect, it is what I am meant to be doing. Every second I am walking on the path that is MINE. EVERY SECOND. I am the mother to these two and how I choose to do it and how I choose to feel about it is ALL MINE. ALL MIND.
I am often 'worried' that I am too negative, that some time these kids will look back at this blog and say, 'gee, didn't you like us AT ALL?!' and I worry that I give in to my complainer more than I celebrate my challenges for what they are, part of my purpose and my perfection.
somebody get me some cheetos. cheezits. hostess cupcakes.
its perfect, right?
deep breaths, deep breaths. . .
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
there is something really nice about hollywood movies, something romantic and dreamy. The pictures wherein a cozy nook has been created, walls and walls of books, a gigantic bed with all sorts of quilts/comforters... a clawfoot tub with a glass of wine nearby... rugs over everything, hardwood peeping through, great shawls to wrap around you, warmth in the snow...think meg ryan when she's sick in you've got mail, or any of the New York movies in which the apartment would be a million dollar nook but somehow a shopkeeper has it... sparkling white lights on an evening in..
you don't need the acting to be good, really, you lose yourself in the hope that someday you'll be British... or be alone in a fourposter bed with tea and cookies on the bedside table. Your socks will be warm, the bathrobe won't gap... the kids will be indefinitely visiting grandma and if your mate chances by, you will take him by the head and lead him to your lair. In the morning, he'll make a hot breakfast and go. I'll spend the day puttering, watering the windowsill full of greenery, looking out into the meadow for hours at a time... no laundry, no bills, no dishwashing.
i've long held the dream of joining a nunnery. I think I might want to reinvestigate the dream and install some more bedlinens, some wonderful lighting and perhaps a visiting mate now and again..
*the sickness passed to me, and on my mate's one day off per week, he has taken the kids away to the big family bonfire and I have been sleeping in my nook, watching a terribly acted movie with a wonderful set of nooks. It is nice to have privacy in illness. and its very nice to feel such gratitude.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Posted by Kate Bowie at 10:58 AM
Thursday, February 18, 2010
i would like george clooney to be my boyfriend today. If he were here, the kids wouldn't be and that would mean the pee in my bed from the four year old also wouldn't be. and the vomit in the two year olds hair wouldn't be there. and the vomit on the sofa wouldn't be there and the vomit in the laundry basket wouldn't be there and the day full of elmo wouldn't have to commence and then maybe I could ruffle my hands in his hair and go for a ride in a very fast car.
Posted by Kate Bowie at 7:31 AM
I spent the afternoon with my boys looking up Beatles songs on youtube. Yesterday my four year old pooped in his pants because he could not leave the PBS kids video games long enough to listen to his body. This is a game that goes slower than molasses and does not move if you are not there. He is not playing video games again until he is 12.
i ate an onion that had slowroasted under a chicken this weekend. I still have Julie Andrews in my life! The Beatles sang that they wanted to hold my hand.
I have joy in my life (lest I forget).
I spent my 'shopping' time yesterday buying myself a quilting class. HOLY MOLY. Someone will actually teach me to do this 'correctly' and perhaps the things I make will stay made?! holy. And I signed up for a crafter's swap at UrbanCraft because of social pressure. (Hives!) so now I am on track to have to make something. have to. make. I'm hoping it will be my spur.
how can we not all still be shaking and jumping for the Beatles, every day? I will scream for them, those boys that were, in my dreams.
these toys are sort of scary looking but really, its what i had... not scary, just found. maybe they're whispering?...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
february. black history month. welcome to it. Jen at Diagnosis:urine has a kid who is struggling with what its all about. kids don't understand, white kids, that is. and by white, i mean, caucasian, not minority... or as my four year old says, 'shiny'. Of course they don't understand it. DO YOU? How can it be that our founders based their economy/society on the existence of human slaves? how could this have been ? How could these purportedly 'christian' /religious people have so neglected a basic tenet of humanity, as far as i am concerned... (if you talk to me about the fools in Texas, I will get myself a gun. don't. ) in that, no one is less, we are all equal in our struggles, our glories, etc., all children of God.
too bad people still don't think that. lets not kid ourselves, the president aside, things are only spottily different. c'mon, we've just changed the rules of acceptability/accountability/public performance.
HOWEVER adult we are, our kids are not. If our American 'history' were more widely spread throughout the year, as in, included in education in a rightful way, maybe it wouldn't be so tricky... the explanations wouldn't stick out like a weird thumb in the wrong place.
My family is mixed race. I am not, straight up honk here... My extended family is all colors. My kids know that anyone can marry anyone and produce kids of any color. still, not me, not my kids. My neighborhood is mixed up. My kid's school isn't mixed up racially but is wildly diverse in class and economic ability/background as well as nationality. His next school will be very different again...
i'm glad we live here for that reason, although it is more concerning to me that race is the only diversity in my particular neighborhood, across the board everyone is the same class and education level and thats where i have a problem with seeing my kids in this system. It is a struggle, not because my kids are so high class (snort) but because it is so monotonous...
of course our kids try it out, distancing themselves is part of the game of growing up... its the example of the parents in thought, word and deed, the discussions when the kids DO say the things we don't want them to say about race and color and all that... that'll fix it... until they have their own life experience to work through, their own interpretations of our American history, the difficulty of prejudice and overcoming it when there isn't any life experience....
saying is not the same as thinking, but it is the first step.
also: it is different for kids to make statements that we don't like, 'i don't like chinese people. etc' than it is to use slurs. I think trying to figure out how to separate individuals from their easiest-pick-it heritage is a long process. slurs they have heard from people who have already made up their minds and have decided not to use them. that is unacceptable.. and different from kids trying to figure out the world of adults. its truly crazy and often unacceptable, right ?
My son has begun using the term 'three eyes' as a slur. I know it may seem as if I am being glib or overreactive but its all about tone and his is wrong. I do not know where 'three eyes' has emerged from, what it refers to- but it is used precisely as you would 'idiot' or 'four-eyes' or 'fatgirl' or any of the nonracial things you can think of right now in a hot second.
We have the same conversations about meanness and bullying about 'three-eyes' as we would about choosing friends on their skin. its stupid and mean and is what bullies do.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I always think I'm so cool and impervious to the craziness out there and yesterday somehow I was super-permeable and got all filled up with anxiety. thank God it is not my natural state, i'm not sure how I could function... my heart was racing, my thoughts were all overwhelmed by their own drama... I would've called it a panic attack except it was more of a seige.
I spend too much time with battles in play here.
This morning I am better but I've lost my drive to get out of the house and I think some of the fear of the world may be lurking underneath that drive-loss. I had plans (!) to shop with my mother and sister and we canceled because of the weather here (lurking.... ) mostly because the 'babysitter' prefers not to drive in weather of any kind. fine.
i'm going to buy something though, just you wait and watch the online activity if the kids nap... maybe i'll even buy a book to teach me how to make clothing with a pattern. try and stop me. I want to be Caroline Ingalls so badly it is killing me. I want to wear floor length skirts and pleated tops like nobody's business. enough with all this frippery. (currently wearing cords and flannel. so much frippery, so much. )
Sunday, February 14, 2010
okay, so its the middle of winter, no matter what time the sun sets in your neighborhood... but this is something I've been wondering a lot about lately because my kid is growing up in a lower middle class/working class urban neighborhood but goes to school in an upper middle class suburban neighborhood and these differences are sort of self-defined but I think they hold true. The yards near his school are bigger, the houses are bigger and less likely to hold apartments, etc... although his school is actually closer to the 'big city', its more suburban in feel there, i think. although i am probably wrong. whatever.
anyhow. my whole point and reason for query is this: my kid, my four and a half year old, wants to play outside with the kids in the neighborhood... without his mother, on streets of traffic, in apartment buildings that I have never been inside. We have a rule that he cannot cross the street by himself and he cannot go inside any house except 'beth's or tony's or juju's... okay.
When I was a kid (idealized past following here...) we played outside every day until it was dark. every day. all year. unless it was raining or freezing. in the woods, behind the houses... totally out of sight and sound of my house... we had friends and enemies in the neighborhood and we had fun and battles all around the four streets that made up our world.
The kids at my kids school don't play with their neighbors, they play at parks. I don't know if its really cuz they don't have neighbors, maybe the neighbors are all too old or ..... but they don't. Our situation/neighborhood takes me out of being able to converse with the other moms about it. what to do? here i am.
And while we have lots and lots of kids on this street, they are NOT ALL playing outside... not all of them.. so where are they? where are they playing? are they on the computer? at a playdate? afterschool things? Do their moms have different, better rules? more safe? more exploratory? what?
what do your kids do? where are they, when the weather allows?
oh lord. HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY! if you love, love it wildly... if not, soon it will be monday!!
EDIT: please go read Nancy's tribute to her love ... i love it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
thanks to athena, i have been given a job and I am SO ready to fulfill my task. Although, as I lay in bed thinking about it last night I have realized that there are many things to say and maybe if I worked hard, I could condense it to one post, but then realized I didn't really want to work hard and maybe I could just work half-assed and that would work too.
And there, in a nutshell, is why I could never honestly buy into the attachment parenting thing as it plays out in parenting.
In theory, it is a no-brainer. OF COURSE!! nurturing touch?!! The Attachment Parenting International group has 8 principles which makes one a groupie... here...
preparing for pregnancy and birth!! OF COURSE!! providing consistent and loving care!! healthy feeding!! positive discipline!! safe sleeping!! balance!! responding with sensitivity!!
okay. is there anyone out there who disagrees with any of that?! of course not. duh.
on the playgrounds, it plays out in a different way... and I think there is something real and valid to be said for the nuanced challenges of having more than one child in the attachment parenting paradigm, or siblings close in age, etc.
I am SO an attached parent. I love my kids, and i'm really going to prove it here. just wait. I tend to respond to them when they are most hilarious, loud and/or annoying, or not arbitrating their own disputes well. My hope is that they are going to learn to arbitrate their own disputes once I give them a few pointers. They will not fight with real swords on top of the glass coffee table, for instance. (yeah, no, i don't own one of those, i'm just for instancing) I am SOO attached to their developing that skill. I carried them around ad nauseum when they were hip-friendly. I hated slings but that's my own deal with not knowing how to fiddleslingthesling. I nursed, both boys, but the second one for twice as long. I co-sleep, family bed style, although not by choice anymore. I cloth diapered one of them until he hit real food and real poop and then that was over. The first one was completely Pamper-d because I had to do laundry at a laundromat and screw that. You say, but wait... what does pampers-ing have to do with attachment parenting? oh yes! right, the manner in which attachment parenting has morphed into an overwhelming mother-presence, mother-load and eco-friendly yet condemning way of approaching child-rearing is what makes us wierd guilt-enemies on the playground.
SO, the problem with attachment parenting is none. Its the problem with people who believe that there is only one way to do this insane job of raising the best people we can. That somehow, instinct is something that must be given a set of rules. Or that if a mom chooses to bottle feed formula, she is somehow ruining her kid's life, or setting the planet aflame. Somehow, she loves her kid less? really? Or the problem is in the new mom who believes she can't put her baby down so she never sleeps, ever, for the first nine months of the kids life. Is she a good mom? Is she even human anymore? poor thing. Sometimes my kids get spanked. That pulls me right out of the group and even makes me a pariah. oh well, now that I'm accepting of my sort of attachment, it doesn't bother me so much... but it will next time I meet up with so and so on the playground... and keep that part of my mothering a secret... along with all the ignoring and grimacing I do sometimes.
Let us all just say, we are mostly all attached parents, sometimes the best love we can give our kids is to acknowledge the distance, to enable our kids to withstand separations... knowing that rejoinings are a part therein... we're all just winging it, because all of our kids are different, our needs are different, our families are different, our lives have been different... all that.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I can still hear. How's that for good?
I think maybe i'll start every post that way for a while. I feel like I could use some reminders of where I was two years ago, so that I'll be more present in where I am now.
That was a bad place, this one is a struggle but doesn't include death thoughts or helplessness or terrible loneliness or the longing for my husband's voice that nearly killed me. . . and so I am better here . hear hear... ahaha.
I think that my writing has been sort of tinny lately, as if I'm just concerned with the amount of kitchen supply I have, and not the contents of the refrigerator. you know? I've got tinfoil up the wazoo but no cilantro.
give me something to write about besides mothering instances... are all things related to birth and growth and death in the end? really? is that what is happening to the country? we are heading towards obesity of budget and overcapitalism spiraling down into insignificance and worldly decay?
verbose frivolity.I know this sickness has knocked us all back but while I have my moments of twirling, I'm stuck more often in the chagrin. And I'd like to switch that up. Maybe I should get my sewing on...channel Grammie a bit and put myself to better uses than complaint.
On that note, I am going to start my taxes.
Posted by Kate Bowie at 1:49 PM
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
i'm feeling sort of boo radley this morning. i'm not really sure what i mean by that exactly, i'm not hiding my toys in a tree or anything but i am in a fog and feel called upon to come out.
and have the sense that others don't call me for, or expect of me, to stay in.
i am in.
we are on day three of the household shut-in. yesterday we took a family trip to the grocery store just so i could get out of the house. we bought juices and vegetables and right now, the kids are literally on hour 3.5 of television. and they just ate chicken nuggets and tater tots with lots and lots of ketchup. ai.
i am sure their sodium levels are out of this world. we will have icecream for dessert.
thank you for your well wishes. I will put them to good use while i search the tv guide for more answers to my apathy...
i may be dumbing up my kids, but otherwise, they'll be fine, right? they are sick, they WANT to be plugged into visual entertainment, yes? my older boy hasn't gotten off the sofa for longer than a bathroom break for almost two whole days. i think he's coming out of it now... in time for school tomorrow? hoell.
Posted by Kate Bowie at 12:09 PM
Friday, February 5, 2010
we are all under-the-weather, and boy, are we ever... its not the vomit, which seems to have ended but the low pressure system. Nobody is well enough to be anything but crotchety. and so, i am feeling great guilt for the amount of television that I am watching and the lack of healthy food preparing that I am doing. I will serve chicken soup, goddamnit, but it will come from a can. we are dripping from all our orifices. and it would all be fine, if it werent' settled on MOM's chest as well. My lack of energy is leading to mounds of clothing to be done, pounds of garbage to be moved, and some serious problems with frozen pizza boxes on the back deck. honestly.
i'm a very sorry case. you should feel great pity for me, because i am worth it. me, and pantene.
i am worth it.
pity party, straight ahead.
and if i had any energy, i'd slap someone.
thats right. i don't think it really made sense either . . . :) heh.
cough, cough, gasp for breath, cough, wheeze.
Posted by Kate Bowie at 2:34 PM
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Somehow I escaped my own judgemental laser pointer- maybe I'd done it all by the time highschool was through so I wasn't so crazy to 'explode' in college? catholic repression ? I grew up surrounded by Roman Catholics and felt like a foreigner for my protestant ways...
SOOO- if 'it didn't happen the way I think it did'... then maybe it is possible that they were struggling with history, familial responsibility and faith, just like me, except that they went to church and I didn't. ok, i did, but i was hiding in the catholics, skipping the wine... because they kept telling me i couldn't have it... dirty protestant... dirty... maybe the individuals were just creatures of habit and took comfort in something that reminded them of their parents? but maybe, they weren't hypocrites, anymore than I was. so, maybe they were'nt lying scum.
MAYBE it was really all about ME and my feeling of exclusion. the feeling that I wasn't good enough for their wine/blood... was missing out on some fundamental knowledge that they all were given in CCD. (catechism) hm.
how's that for deep thinking and progress?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
so. like all good glee, it was fleeting. but having had it, i remember how much i like it, so will make it a goal to see more funny- be more funny- think more funny and just let up on myself.
i did allright with letting go of the waiting the other day but then I got sucker punched by one of the things I had forgotten to wait for. shithole. end to glee .
SURELY, i can do better.
I will work on it, as in, Today I am not going to wait for anything, unless it is something lovely.
Also, Today I am going to think of something funny, or make my kid laugh and roll around on the ground. Anyone seen me doing the running man? oh yes, it is Goood.
On another site that I read, she mentioned that she fell in love with the word 'avocado' because of its vowels.
how good is that?
pretty damn, if you ask me.
Posted by Kate Bowie at 10:08 AM
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
after far too long in the struggle, things are finally beginning to bubble for me, burble if you look at yesterday's posting hilarity..i really was cracking myself up -and then i went to the statcounter to see who from where had visited and i had a visitor from bangladesh and i was thrilled ... THRILLED. not only is it a very fun word to say, but hello?! india calling!
so, upon investigation, it appears that the person or persons from bangladesh was really looking up 'earlong' and got the post with 'pig's ear long' in it... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... thats what i get for some wierd-ass post titles... i am thrilled. again.
and it is the bubbling up of real honest to goodness laughter that is making me feel so good about everything. It may be just a momentary glee but my god, i feel like i've been out of the glee for far too long, and it is my native resting spot. believe it or not.
a thing to save a marriage: my husband, when asked what color i should dye my hair this weekend, says, 'I can't imagine you with any other color. Its perfect."
tiny details, baby, tiny details. Plus, my hair is pissass brownyblond... the man is potentially delusional, but i will keep him just a bit longer - - -
today he is visiting Chakra Carol for his first taste of her medicine. I'm curious/anxious about how he'll be blown away...
Monday, February 1, 2010
so i've been cracking myself up lately and let me share my excessive brilliance here and quickly:
shuffle off this mortal coil
slough off this mortal coil but it just doesn't sound as good. funny from deaf girl, but true. and its such a brilliant phrase, how could anyone of sane mind want to change it? can you feel it? the old shuffle?
and then it should be shimmy off the mortal coil and then i thought maybe loofah off the mortal coil but started giggling. brillo?
emeryboard the mortal coil?
brillopad the morning oil? the morning foil?
ah. weeping now.
shuffle off the morning's toil?
want to see my mother's boil?
Posted by Kate Bowie at 1:14 PM