Sunday, June 6, 2010

the ants are lost, i think

in every room of my house, there is at least one big black carpenter ant trying to find its way. i don't understand it, there isn't even any food upstairs, i don't think. (i hope) they just keep milling about, up and down and around, and really, not in great numbers so i'm even able to believe that it might all be the same ant, or that maybe we have a very small family of them, all lost and split up from each other somehow. or maybe they are just on daytrips. boy, they move fast. they are somewhat startling in their blackness and their bugness.

but so it goes.

yesterday was a big day and i'm doing the self-pat on the back for surviving it with my humor intact and my desire to be present fairly much fulfilled. (remind me sometime to talk about trying to meditate with two boys in the same room. )
sometimes being present is just not enough, there should be reach.

I let my two boys go on a sailboat. i let them, and we did it and in the spaces between grabbing them and holding them and restraining them, i got to feel the wind in my hair and feel the ultimate rock of the cradle of the universe.
we put the boat in the water...with me, their dad and their grandfather. pretty wonderful. i wish i could remember myself at that age with any accuracy, I'd really like to compare myself to C and find out how much of his whine is in me, and how much is just the whine of the almost 5.

AND last night i went out for dinner and drinks with five old high school women friends. I have not done such a thing for at least 5 years, and it may even stretch to my entire married life, excluding trips to the fabulous wisconsin appletonia... I was completely nauseous with nerves, not because i didn't want to see anyone or because i can't handle it, but because of what i was going to miss. these are sharp, wisecrackers. and i was going to miss the jokes, the ribbing, the backandforth. Several of the women I haven't seen for almost twenty years and that is some sort of trip of the memorial sort. Parents and siblings have died, manias persist and we are not sneaking drinks at the beach any longer. It certainly does change things, twenty years. I feel like I should go watch 'Stand by me.' or some big chill type movie. already saw 'breakfast club' this week, thats more than enough to live on, i guess.
I am comfortable in my skin, is what I got from that. I'm wierd maybe, but I was glad to meet these women, curious about them, and content with the blank spaces. There is so much more, though, I guess its that same blank space that I don't know what to do with. . . how to leave it unsaid and yet give it color and shape. I'm thinking in type today, and I'm not sure i'm the better for it. off to the newest thunderstorms,


Jen said...

Congrats Wife Mother,
You are an adult. You are more than the gals you are dining with, guaranteed. Hope it was enlightening, invigorating, and what's the word for "holy shit, my world is scary but not that unusual and maybe less volatile than I thought is was but I've got 2 little kids so everything is" kinda world. You are rockin' girl. Chin high. Laugh lots. It's gonna be okay! I am confident (for you)