Sunday, June 13, 2010

Piracy and privacy

I'm all into the pirates lately, not knowing if they are good or bad and the ambiguity of the robbers of the high seas, makes me feel better about my off-kilter-ness lately.
Ohso. I do not make friends on facebook anymore. there is something just insane about all the connectivity. Its a separate world, that one of my highschool life and family life and it just doesn't seem like a cherry should be in a chocolate chip cookie, does it? AND I cannot be friends with males at all, because they are male and i am nothing, if not full of passion about lots of things and also, married. passion and non-husbands don't mesh. . . holes in the net and so forth. so the whole men and just friends thing is a wash. In truth, it has long been this way for me, it is just in marriage that I have respected it more.
what of it? i am not sure. does this mean i have declared an end to friendship-making in my life? It cannot be. Is this the boat I really want to be on? (yes, analogy drag-along day has fully erupted) I really like people, for real. (oh brother) While I do not think I lose anything in my shiftless arrowshooting from the bow (!), I wonder how to explain that there is also some illusion of anonymity here for me, that I like. Something irresponsible. I am free to be callous, even heartless here- for which I am sure that I will berate myself for again and again as I really hate to let loose my shittier self. But i can, if i want to , and I don't have to worry about the sobbing masses becasue I convince myself that there aren't any.
(fuck this: have i been mean? i don't think so, i am plagued with self-recrimination. not much pirate in me, i guess)
I like the feeling of being in solitude with my flickering fingers on the pad, and the way the screen doesn't always talk back, if at all, and always responds with the letterforms of my dreams. There are so few moments of this sort of privacy for me in this phase of life. And I do recognize the wierdness of calling this public forum private. but i like my illusions and i am comforted by my own duplicity.
how does this fit in with chakra c's admonition to take more care with what is allowed into my head? I look away from it for the moment, while I type.


urban craft said...

this is an interesting topic. I went to a rather large high school and the proceeded to work in a very large nightclub industry and am not on facebook at all and have largely disappeared from the internet.

I constantly wonder if people think I might have died.
But, an old old old friend from 5th grade found my mother and asked her to pass along her number.

I think connections like that are more meant to be.
Either way, I think making friends with you via blogging has actually been more meaningful than people I have met in person. There's a bit of phoneyness on facebook. Everyone is so nice and make such nice comments, when in fact, in real life people talk shit about people all the time behind their backs. I like to watch from the annono side lines.

Please pass along Chakrah C's lessons. I continue to try to find inner quietness in my mind too but it doesn't stop like a runaway train.

Owen A said...

of course this forum is more private then FB if only for the control factors involved. Here- it is possible to control whose news you are subjected to- [both in the width of types of news (and from whom) that are shared- as well as the depth- in terms of the extent to which we the reader must utilize the latin alphabet and several words to make our thoughts known {as opposed to FB where technically most info is textual- there is much that can be gleaned from the context/photos attached- check the site sometime to see what I mean- it is a different world when formatted for phone screens}
ohso- inasmuch as I am one of those selam who has attempted to tempt you with the overly connected cherry-chocolate-peanutbutter-oatmeal cookie [they are tasty- but not structurally sound btw] I find myself instead wounded to the quick by one of your shiftless arrows.
O alas! me hearties!- yar!- I may yet find solace in my 'real' life- limping away from tempting whisper of the quiet words that only exist in my head and on the screen and your eyes... [cue peter gabriel]