Saturday, June 26, 2010

i begin to explain the rabbit . . .

On Thursday night we had a really great time at Josh's (of bathroom re-do fame) with his wife Sarah and the kids and a very oldie but goodie from high school and florida, jenny jen jen.

It was wonderful. the kids played, the darkness fell, the fireflies entertained us all. Their place is 'way out in the country' by southern new england standards, and the ride home was at midnight, by the ocean . it was astonishing and I almost had to stop the car and run wildly into the surf to keep myself from crying.

(i'm really digging adding 'wildly' to everything these days... also the verb 'to dig' used in a non-dirt-involved sense)

beat the blackness of the ocean glistening in the moonlight at midnight. beat it, i say to you.


we'll only all be improved and more and more thrilled by something greater. try.

the point?

okay. the ride home was long, i am not a big fan of nighttime driving as I just don't trust my eyes overmuch and i'm tired and blahblah. but i was driving to carry home the kids and the somewhat (ehem) sopping husband in peace and safety.

so off we go onto the explanation of the rabbit. the kids were almost asleep, the roads were long, the streetlights were few and far between, only at the crossroads. . . we were zooming.

a bunny hopped out of the bushes and made its way directly into the path of this giant metal box that i was causing to careen down the road. I have no idea if the bunny made it, but did not feel a bump and so am very hopeful that the bunny and i did not actually meet. but everyone in the car was awakened by the sudden slowdown and the gasping/swearing. at midnight on a country road. i was too far away to even look back to see if the bunny were wounded. I felt baaad, very responsible in a very personal way. I wanted very much to cry, but was worried about the underlying mess of beginning to tap that well.

Its been a long long few weeks, I've been low, It has been a long time, I have been lonely, sad and my eyes have been glazing over at the most inopportune times. We all know the sensation of driving from point to point and not remembering the intervening miles, yes ? this has been my last few months. and its a great metaphor, but it is also literal. I've been highway driving and gone into the slowlanes because i'm not seeing well, not able to drive with intensity and caution and defensiveness ...

woke up on birthday friday with a seriously heavy bone to pick with the dazedness. hubby didn't remember it was my birthday for at least 6 minutes and he is lucky to still be alive.
and then.

Carol spent two hours with me. TWO. And everything now is clear. (ha. no, doesn't work that way, really, i have so many more questions it is just sick. but. )

My eyes are finally open again. It sounds trite but really, I can see all the cars on the road. I'm standing up taller. I drove home from carol's and was actually awake. Driving was easy, I felt confident and aware and part of a flow of traffic. It is an amazing thing - sort of scary to recognize that all those other days were something Other than Awake.

I feel like my eyes are peeled open more, and keep touching them to see if they feel better. really. Both Carol and J say I look different .


this is part one of many many more. and don't expect me to enumerate the next posts because i will forget. it may be boring, but i need to get out the 'facts' so i can process da 'feelings' that are here and will be coming. i feel great though, just great, awake. and not some new age cruddy crud Awake, but a real one, a fresh morning alertness that everyone should have all the time. fresh morning alertness, cool breeze on a hot day type thing.

stream in the woods.

midnight on the ocean.


Jen said...

dgreat and awake. I like. you're good. cool.