Thursday, June 10, 2010

the thing

thats the thing: it makes me happy when my kids are happy, surely. glow-y.

but it isn't enough. as thrilling as it is when they are giggling and running wildly through the house, it isn't enough.

where is the more?

when I was working for head start, we took the kids to the beach and one of them got cold and i wrapped him in a towel and got him all warm and snuggly. and that stands out as one of my most favorite moments of parenting adulthood... the knowledge that I had become the towel-wrapper-warmth-bringer.

And I am that sometimes for my own kids. On this rainy cold summer day my kids, right now, are reading in their destroyed bedroom. The blankets are all on the floor, all of them, even the ones from the closet and the sheets from the box, all of them. . . its a 'pool'. They are reading, and that brings me satisfaction and joy, and I know that my allowing the mess will bring its own warmth in the long run. . . but it is still not enough.

there was an article in the Times today about the distraction of parents who are 'linkedin' while parenting, and I am glad I am old-school and can only get online in one spot in my life, (yes, its sort of a joke, old-school, linked in, online, etc) but I still recognize the distraction component, although I must say, even washing dishes is distracting if you are really supposed to be looking and listening to them all the time. . . *

I like writing here but I recognize that I 'could be doing other things'. finishing a big gift project, doing the laundry, washing the freaking walls, getting the house that I love ready to be looked at by people who want to buy it for a steal. . .

I'm looking for what will be enough, sad that nobody can just give it to me, wistful for the naivete that still glimmers with the hope that somehow it is still out there somewhere, and not just hiding near my elbow, that close -but undiscovered.

* the tv changes are still in effect but i haven't cancelled cable and have used it when I needed to... there IS a very big change in their play, more dramatic, more creative, more self-sustaining. . .yep.


Jamie said...

A friend "told me" (through email of course) about - local classes for adults in art, health, home, etc. I'm hoping one of those might spark an interest - be the "more" that I too have been grappling for lately. That is IF my husband can get home early enough for me to go out some night. Someone's got to have a paying job, right?