askew

Edit: I've actually gone back in to this to try and make myself seem less nuts. tell me if it worked...

somewhere out there in the blogdom i made a comment to someone about how natural it was to let children go out into the school world, that they were reaching their potentials-exploring new friendships-growing into their independence...

and so, i am so, so, sorry, because I just didn't know. I didn't have any idea what I was talking about, and I made it trite and stupid and so geez, I am sorry. I feel completely swept away by my 'feelings' as this preschool year ends and we as a family enter a whole new ballgame in which my control is completely nil...

(I understand that I do not have control NOW, but its more about not knowing what is going on, not knowing the lunch lady or the kid sitting next to him, or the blaghblah)

holy fuck, i am upset.

really, i HAVE to think its all about this large scale change harbinged (new word?) by a small scale child. No more schedule-less days in which the outside painting waste is the blip on the screen, no more children in their jams til right before dinner, when they put on their rainboots for dramatic naked play.

and I am going to be 36 in about 2 weeks. and child will be 5.

(and I STILL don't know if I am going to have some other baby anytime. I hate that I can't make up my mind and I hate that I might be running out of time to make the choice and that might be making a choice right there and I just hate that )

and we are in the midst of my life-crisis in a rather large way. we will move the whole family sometime in the next year, destination unknown and lifestyle to be decided by said family. (I'm okay with the kid going to kindergarten in a lackluster place, but not first grade. thats where the magic happens, and I need him to be in heaven, school-wise... so we hunt. we hunt. )

all i can do is talk/think about my anxiety, which makes me a rockstar of a wife and friend. yet again.

(and I do a hell of a lot more thinking than talking in general and so my silence has actually been a rather large oppressive force in the house - for me, at least. I'm not sure how noticeable it was)

Do we buy a little house with lots of land and get a sheep and a chicken? do we buy a large house where i can lose my kids in the echoes and a small fenced in pen? Do we move far away from where we are and hope there are good folks nearby that I can spend five years hiding from? WE are in this crazy position of our family salary having gone up by a multiple of three in the past year. THREE.

crazy.

and i still get all my kids' stuff at salvation army because i am related to Grammie, the depression era goddess. I'm afraid to get the oven fixed because it might be too much money, and we have the grill... its a bit stressful and I might ruin C's chances of making it in Kindergarten because he doesn't have the right shoes and has hair like a rockstar, that his pathetic mother is sort of afraid to cut. will he be knifed on the playground for his platinum curls?

(um, he is NOT going to be knifed on the elementary school playground for his curls. pretty sure of it. )

I'm psychotic. but there it is.

(i'm not really.)

Nobody's writing these days, the blogworld has gone eerily quiet and I am so glad that everyone has wonderful children and lives that they want to focus on . good for you.

I, however, am swamped by emotion and the desire to burn the house down so noone will buy it, ever, ever again.

it is MINE.

MIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNE.

(did I mention that I am a Cancer, homebody extraordinaire?) yeah. (also, how does one clean a house up? i mean, really? for good, like as in no clutter and strangers want to look at it? COME ON?! shit. fuck. )