Friday, June 11, 2010


Edit: I've actually gone back in to this to try and make myself seem less nuts. tell me if it worked...

somewhere out there in the blogdom i made a comment to someone about how natural it was to let children go out into the school world, that they were reaching their potentials-exploring new friendships-growing into their independence...

and so, i am so, so, sorry, because I just didn't know. I didn't have any idea what I was talking about, and I made it trite and stupid and so geez, I am sorry. I feel completely swept away by my 'feelings' as this preschool year ends and we as a family enter a whole new ballgame in which my control is completely nil...
(I understand that I do not have control NOW, but its more about not knowing what is going on, not knowing the lunch lady or the kid sitting next to him, or the blaghblah)

holy fuck, i am upset.

really, i HAVE to think its all about this large scale change harbinged (new word?) by a small scale child. No more schedule-less days in which the outside painting waste is the blip on the screen, no more children in their jams til right before dinner, when they put on their rainboots for dramatic naked play.

and I am going to be 36 in about 2 weeks. and child will be 5.
(and I STILL don't know if I am going to have some other baby anytime. I hate that I can't make up my mind and I hate that I might be running out of time to make the choice and that might be making a choice right there and I just hate that )

and we are in the midst of my life-crisis in a rather large way. we will move the whole family sometime in the next year, destination unknown and lifestyle to be decided by said family. (I'm okay with the kid going to kindergarten in a lackluster place, but not first grade. thats where the magic happens, and I need him to be in heaven, school-wise... so we hunt. we hunt. )

all i can do is talk/think about my anxiety, which makes me a rockstar of a wife and friend. yet again.
(and I do a hell of a lot more thinking than talking in general and so my silence has actually been a rather large oppressive force in the house - for me, at least. I'm not sure how noticeable it was)

Do we buy a little house with lots of land and get a sheep and a chicken? do we buy a large house where i can lose my kids in the echoes and a small fenced in pen? Do we move far away from where we are and hope there are good folks nearby that I can spend five years hiding from? WE are in this crazy position of our family salary having gone up by a multiple of three in the past year. THREE.


and i still get all my kids' stuff at salvation army because i am related to Grammie, the depression era goddess. I'm afraid to get the oven fixed because it might be too much money, and we have the grill... its a bit stressful and I might ruin C's chances of making it in Kindergarten because he doesn't have the right shoes and has hair like a rockstar, that his pathetic mother is sort of afraid to cut. will he be knifed on the playground for his platinum curls?
(um, he is NOT going to be knifed on the elementary school playground for his curls. pretty sure of it. )

I'm psychotic. but there it is.
(i'm not really.)
Nobody's writing these days, the blogworld has gone eerily quiet and I am so glad that everyone has wonderful children and lives that they want to focus on . good for you.

I, however, am swamped by emotion and the desire to burn the house down so noone will buy it, ever, ever again.

it is MINE.


(did I mention that I am a Cancer, homebody extraordinaire?) yeah. (also, how does one clean a house up? i mean, really? for good, like as in no clutter and strangers want to look at it? COME ON?! shit. fuck. )


Jamie said...

Thank you! I can so relate and find myself looking forward to your blog posts. (So sorry for my somewhat stupid comments - just want you to know how much I appreciate your not-so-stupid ones! You've brought me to tears - really.)

I've been thinking so much lately that I need new friends - no one likes me and why should they as I have nothing worth talking about (My spica girl is now back in a cast and I am stuck with her - or maybe I'm holding her back because she doesn't seem to feel "stuck" at all). The truth is though that I cancel plans all the time because I am ashamed of me and my attitude and then I complain that I'm lonely.

I love your comment "and hope there are good folks nearby that I can spend five years hiding from?" That's my life! We moved into an awesome neighborhood packed with kids last summer - 5 or 6 of them even have kids the same ages as mine - and I freeze if the doorbell rings. I've actually figured out that if I sit on the kitchen floor, no one can see me from the windows - and as dark as our front hall is, I love that there are no windows, so I can be right behind the door and never have to open it. If you're crazy, then I'm crazier (and I just might be).

Moving out of our old house was really tough - the whole process is horrible, so I hope it goes quickly for you. I remember that my baby (who was about 9 months at the time), slept in one of those peapod pop-up tents because the kids' room looked too crowded with 2 cribs in there and it was easy to put the tent away if people were coming through - just as if she never existed at all!

I have to say though, that I absolutely love our house, and our neighborhood, and while our old place will always be special as it was our first house - that we owned when we got married and had kids - our new house feels like home. We did take our house number sign with us from the old place and it's hanging up on the wall of our sun room.

Move south (but not too far south)...there are good people here!

PS - I'm a Cancer too, turning 30 in just over 2 weeks and wondering if my baby days are numbered too. And 3 mornings of preschool in the fall scares the shit out of me. He went 1 morning this past year and I still have no idea how they spent their time!

Viv said...


That was just what I needed. Actually, I need the increase in our salary too, BUT, the laugh was probably better for me! ;)

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Oh boy, I do understand this. Vivi still has one more year of nursery school and I've already got that knot in my stomach about kindergarten. I *REALLY* want to send her somewhere but then I think she (or maybe I?) need one more year of unstructured play before her academic life is all test-driven math and science. (Frankly, we can't afford the education that isn't that way.)

I also get the whole moving thing. Once I had these Turtles at home I told M that we could NEVER move. He thought I was joking. I am not. (Even though I will complain about our taxes and crappy schools ad nauseum....)

Your unwillingness to fix the oven is not lost on me either. I get mad at M for buying bread because I *could* have made it. (It's irrelevant that I actually didn't want to make the bread.)

About the babies: you are probably not done. You will know when you are done. Of this, I am certain. (As much as I love having three by default, I wouldn't recommend it. Actually, I think it is twins I wouldn't recommend. Hmmm... Maybe it's three. Hell, I don't know. All I know is my combination of children is a bloody lot of work.)

The D said...

Burn the f-ing house down. Keep inside your own head. Have another baby. Ruin the boys' lives. Keep your house messy. Move someplace and don't like your neighbors. Might it feel good to walk into the fear as opposed to just fearing it?

And, really, you are my MOST ROCKSTAR FRIEND OF ALL TIME. I will always by a ticket to whatever you are selling. I love you.

Jen said...

So. I just read and have tons to say. But I'm drunk, cuz I have 3 children and they bug the shit out of me. Tomorrow I will comment with real effort and real answers. You are okay. You are normal. You are doing the best you can. Please don't be sad, you're good and not alone.. I'm drunk. I'll berate you tomorrow! (not really, not ever!)

The Maven said...

Wow.. That's a fantastic post. And much where I was when Intrepid was almost 5, about to start school, and I was 6 months pregnant with baby Gutsy. And Geekster had also more than doubled his income, life was looking brighter and yet scarier, too. You just brought up a surge of emotion in me about the whole thing.

We're getting there with Spawnling again, too. He'll be starting full-time kindergarten in 2 years. It's simultaneously exciting and heartbreaking. It'll be a new stage in our lives where there are no more "free" weekdays. Our days will becoming much more regimented. On that front, it's pretty depressing.

On the other hand, it signals this time when we move from little kid mode to bigger kid mode. We can go see movies easier, take trips easier, eat in restaurants easier... and not just because they're older, but because my SAHM self will have more time to earn a bit of money, thus padding our income for the fun "extras".

Good things, bad things... Life is always in flux. Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride (says the extremely anxious Maven, who can completely understand why it's not always so enjoyable).

Still Life With Coffee said...

hey, I'm a cancer too. And it says a lot about me as well.
The year my son turned 5 was tricky for me. Heading off into kindergarten is huge and being swamped by emotion is completely understandable.