Saturday, June 19, 2010
I've had the great pleasure this week of finding out that some of Chakra Carol has actually sunken below my skin. Yes, i acknowledge my wicked wisdoms, is what i am saying.
HOWEVER, self deprecation aside, I have been facing many people with the ability of a rock when it comes to listening or to facing adversity with a 'looking forward' mentality. For example, when one is actively seeking resolution of estrangement, one cannot continually bring up examples from 5 years ago pertaining to one's own correctness. One cannot have a host of expectations for what the 'other' will say to acknowledge and validate oneself. It is not the spirit of the thing. IT is not the spirit of the thing. and that fucking matters. it matters.
I can feel my hackles rising as I attempt to type the scenarios and the ridiculousness of the bad juju that I've been handling this week. I'm nobody's guru, and I wouldn't be if I could stomach my own hypocrisy long enough to don the robes. but I did get a chance to say some things that I thought were a relatively new truth for me, I did.
I said things like.... 'you cannot do anything to MAKE someone see your pain. You have to lay it down, give it to god, do whatever the hell you need to do to give yourself your own peace, and then move ON, move away, move FORWARD. LET IT GO.
Lay down your burden, its not hurting anyone but You. LET IT GO. '
Ah, carol... pat me on the back and massage my chakras all you will because it was so totally nice for the 13 seconds of peace that it let me see..
and then someone threw the stone back at me, over and over, and my 'detachment' was shattered . . . boy, what a chump. .. self-deprecation agogo.
but then. my next two days have been filled with the opposites of the energy spectrum and I delivered a babyquilt to the babyand her mother, D, who's first birthday is next weekend. hoo brother. but it is beautiful and I am proud and grateful for a different sort of rock, stone of the smoother sort.
and then Russell and Annie were here. and they are oldies but greatest friends ..and I feel filled up and amazed and proud to know them and love them. . (Not all men are bad, I just like it a whole lot when they are married/inlove/committed to someone else and have no expectations of me except humor. . .ya dig? )
I gave love. I got love.