Saturday, December 5, 2009

problems of duality and a loss of humor

i think the problem is the twosidedness of me. in general, hearing goofiness aside, i present as a common sensical straightforward woman. with maybe some sharp edges. inside, as in, currently, i am a lump... with little prospect of cleaning up into some David type miracle. all i want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there and it really doesn't make for a happy home and its been a couple days now. I do get out of the hole, but spend a lot of time thinking about how to get back. I'm taking the kids stuff (the stuff: scratching biting almost two and a freshtalking, whining, striking out four) WAY too personally, and thats the sign to me that I am off my game yet again... there has to be some sort of cycle that i am in, the moon turning me all werewolfian as I am getting so damn angry at my kids instead of my husband and i keep wanting all these good things/ good parenting skills and yet I just can't get myself to that place and keep hanging around all angry and pissy all the good goddamned time.

I fully admit that I cannot manage our current bedtime arrangement on my own. I am overstressed about it and every single night has become a thing of dread. Tall boy of mine is a powerhouse of will and while that makes me proud on the one hand, on the other hand I am slapping myself all night long. He IS sleeping in his own bed now, but not going to sleep until 9:30 or 10 pm and he is completely foregoing naps and I cannot stand the sound of his voice as he whines for the last hour of the ridiculous 'bedtime routine'. yes, i did type HOUR. seriously, I cannot stand to hear the voice and I am worried that I will lose my hearing again because I am challenging a gift of the universe. boy, i would be screwed. and that is a monumental understatement, with no humor of any type involved.


Jen said...

I am desperate to understand more about your hearing loss and have read your "hearing" archives and am blown away by your writing. Wow.

Anyway, post more!