Wednesday, December 30, 2009

reap what you sow

so, here i am, thirty five years old, burdened by mental lists which i have complete control over... ok? I have complete control over my own expectations and thought patterns. right? sticks and stones are much friendlier foes than my own stupid brain, i am finding.
I've got no problem with bruises and blisters. Bring it on. I'd enjoy the fight with someone my own size. Saw a gym for women's boxing opening up down the road this week. hm. (if someone hits me in the face who is not a kid of mine, do i get to knock them down?)

this is not where i thought i'd find myself at this age, but I can't remember where I thought I'd be....
So, I have five years to get myself to a place where I am more proud and have more ability to look around with acceptance. Or five weeks, or five minutes. I'm tired of my tired out resentments, they really are 'unreal' and I have the choice to feel them, or to at least, examine them and rather than resent the place I am in, just accept what it is.
I've been a stay at home mom full time for three and a half years, its the first time since I was fifteen that I haven't worked at a paying job. no biggie, but the whole 'not being paid' thing is actually one of the bugs in my brain. I watch the kids for my payback all the time, the way the youngest one plucks at the skin between my thumb and forefinger is about 12 bucks an hour and when my four year old fiddles with my bellybutton in a flashback to his younger days, thats a bonus check...
I am tired, I slept on the pullout bed last night by myself and it was unbelievably good. but I'm still tired.. I think I've got to pile on some vitamin d or have my iron checked. My life can't actually be this draining, right? Why have I purchased toy hammers for my kids? - was that downright dumb? was it? they are hitting everything! dumb? motherly? do we want to investigate? NO.


Viv said...

The worst outcome from doing things like getting your iron checked would be to hear, "there is nothing wrong with you, we can't give you a pill, we can't make it better," so THAT is a large part of why I don't do it. I highly suspect that my own life just *is* that tiring.

Jen said...

Okay, you are so okay. I hate that I don't get a paycheck. It's a huge kick in the box. I had huge plans about 20 years ago to rule the corporate world. Then I discovered I was creative and really, really maternal. Damn that estrogen. Anyhoo. It's super hard. I can't decide if I love what I do or hate it. Maybe both. I bought a marshmallow gun and a marble run/track. NOT FOR ME, for my boys. Marbles and a gun that they fit in. Stupid? Totally. I am dodging marbles that are being shot through a gun. Maybe that should be my blog name. dodging marbles shot through a gun!