Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanks and more of life than I requested...

My husband's family is going through another loss this week.(a brother-in-law, an uncle... last month) and now  another uncle, the only brother of my husband's father, at 85, it was time to go and no one mourns that... but everybody is changing roles and there is a sense of loss in that -at the very least, a great and building sadness... It is a constant check on our 'normal' affairs this week.
I am both curious and full of trepidation ... we all are going to die. my goodness. even my kids. me. my mom. my dad. my sister, my brother. (not hubsJ.)
my goodness. it is hard to type, yes? the unspeakables.
and our stories will be changing and some stories will just be lost.  A lot of people say that they want to leave something behind when they go... and I sort of feel like challenging that notion today. it feels grasping, right now, somehow.   What you leave behind is what you did in life for people, what their lives have become flowing around/in yours... the whole river is always the whole river... when you take a cup out, its not the river anymore, it is water in a cup. but while we eddy and swirl through our river ride, we're all river, all the time.  what can a river leave behind? the land changes - yes, but it is not left behind.
just like the family grieving, changed.

- my faith in afterlife is firm, i'm sure that it'll be shaken again in my life, but it is firm today. and it makes me feel so damn peaceful about it all, but I have a distance from the grief because it is not sudden, not 'inappropriate', and not mine.  all critical points.
i'm sad for the family, a waterfall drop.

I know Jack is watching a ball game at the local high school and regaling G-d with stories of HolyCross football, and getting ready to eat pie with his sister, her husband and his parents...  how much better can it get?