Saturday, November 27, 2010

Outer rims...

Today was a funeral, and I was on my kids like ants on honey, and they did very well... and i feel completely bereft of the public sharing that gets to go on at a funeral and its following luncheon... Not only did I not get to hold my honey's hand, but I hardly saw him... big church, kids rambunctious at the back, family at the front.  I sort of feel 'outsided' and so much of it has to do with kids and personalities and old news that I am both flattened and annoyed by the flattening as an overly familiar friend can be at times. 
HubsJ's family is wonderful, chatty, social, of good humor/cheer, and EVEN at a funeral. yes, they are normal, and there were tears and emotions agaga. Near to them, I do a tremendous amount of self-comparing which inevitably puts me in the bag. 
There isn't a particular individual that i 'want to be' and there isn't even an individual that I remotely see as flawless.... I think it may just be the feeling of being an in-law... the history is not mine, I am part of a hyphenation... and today as I watched with one eye through the door, the cousins in black, the secondcousins too... I felt far away, out side of the family. 
*None of this is HubsJ's fault. His reaction to all this day has held is to tell me he hopes we can have forty years together. he is good and feeling sad and in flux/flow.
I suspect myself of whining a bit, although I also do feel at times that I use the kids to give me distance from people and places that I am uncomfortable with and this morning was the other side of that same coin. use, used .


Jen said...

So well said. So often in situations such as this I have "used" my children as a means to avoid and then had a resulting bitterness. I can't be in the action because I am taking care of the children! It's a strange dance we do. Hope you all are grieving in your own way and will move past it in your own time. It's a hard time of the year to lose someone, no matter how long they have lived.