Tuesday, November 10, 2009


today is one of those days where I am constantly asking myself... what the hell is wrong with me? I am completely out of my mind with rage/anger/overreaction/unrealistic expectations ... and right now I am trying to control my breath, notice my emotions, and stay the hell away from the kids. I just finished yelling at an almost two year old who doesn't want a nap.

yes, you see, that is CRAZY. and sort of creepy. and showcases the out of control mom.
I have been trying to make pumpkinchocolate chip cookies for a month, yesterday i roasted the pumpkin and today I made the mix. tonight we eat. WHY? So i could tell someone (Grammie-in my internal dialogue that we have, still ) that I finally used the sugar pumpkin/that i made a homemade treat/that I provided for my children a wonderful bettycrocker moment? and prove myself a good mother? ??!! because it was hellious, from beginning to end- what with my rage and all and the amount of flour that hit the floor may in fact be criminal... I should have just thrown in the towel, abandoned the project and thrown my own flour.
but it was not to be, today i was full of resentment and sugar*.

I feel today that the number of things that have been abandoned has become too large. the projects, the laundry, the dishes, the floor, the vaccuum, the books, the letter, and so on..That list is wavering slightly in the air above my head- what will it matter if I find that all this anger was hormonally motivated. what does it matter? the list does not actually change. only my perspective. I had a bad day. bad.
*I seriously have to remove all the candy from this house, and yet I cannot. Literally cannot. When husband gets home from work, I am taking him on a tour of my stashes and he will clean them out. If I do it myself, I will dig it back out of the trash after the kids go to bed. yes, I will. and because I have typed it here, when this posts.. he will . (because I will 'forget' to ask him to do it, because I must be insane if I need help to get rid of the peanut butter cup BAG in my underwear drawer)
this is why I am not a big drinker. that, and the lifetime of being surrounded by alcoholics. o baby. -although the four pm beer is becoming more of a mainstay.
meanwhile, in the other room that I can watch as I type: my older boy is trying to teach his younger brother how to climb 'back' into the crib. giving slow and wonderful directions. dear god. laughs and smiles all around after he just pulled him on in, afterall.
joy. then he kicked him in the head.
ah, done here ..


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

So ironic as I read this now because I was just about to type about my own mama rage. Then I thought about how my in-laws read this stuff and I can't let them know that I had an f-bomb-laden tantrum in front of Vivi because she intentionally woke one baby up from her nap. (Now the whole rest of the day I will get NO break because the babies are out of sync.) OH, and I am too angry and ashamed all the time that the fact that is I happen to be the biggest child in the house. Thanks for sharing so I don't have to.

Nancy said...

Resentment and sugar. That is a classic line I will NEVER forget!

It's like you are in my head saying what I'm thinking. nice to have company, here in my head, on days like these.