Monday, November 23, 2009

two friends

last week i had two friends tell me on the same day how much they liked to read this thing. it was awesome, but a bit intimidating as they are both very smart women whom i admire (for VERY different reasons). Posting every day has clearly tapped my wit and my subject matter and kept me glued to the computer at weird times while I've tried to think of something to write about besides my kids antics. I mean, I like them..even love them most of the time, but I started this thing to try and figure out my role in my own life. How much has my identity been overhauled by motherhood? quite a bit, as it turns out.. and I don't think I had realized it til this year and from what I read, it changes more and more, particularly as the kids age. I've been a stay at homer for three years now and I am very okay with not working but not so okay with not bringing home my own bacon. I don't really have 'freelance' options :) and congratulations to those of you who do, you are some lucky bitches.

what to do? I was trained as a teacher of preschoolers and kids with special needs and I can't really tell you how little I want to do that again. I did that in 'assistant' capacities for several years and then was a sub in regular elementary classes for FOUR years. I certainly don't want to do THAT again, although I was very good. Having my own kids has soured me a bit on my native abilities, as I can't seem to bring it to fruition for them... the whole dream of 'not raising my voice' has paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssed. so far gone its not visible.

and while I love to work with kids in crisis, I can't exactly say I want them to stay in crisis just to keep me happy...
maybe my lack of inner resources should just be addressed finally. but no, do'nt be silly.. couldn't be that.
chakra carol anyone?