Saturday, November 21, 2009

Fourteen again

After an afternoon spent in tears, and wondering when I lost sight of myself and wondering why people that I love haven't spent their days telling me to hide my face, I am on my way to okay.

and my husband's comment... "oh, so thats why those women commented, 'you're so brave'... when they heard you say you were doing this.." actually sealed the deal. It WAS brave, but I just didn't know it in advance. I wasn't thinking about all of the things I don't like about my middle-aged body when I made this appt., nor was I thinking about my natural inclination to smirk or twist my face into pincherlike puckers. I was just feeling generous to my inner wahoo self, and trying something out that I thought I'd really like. I didn't, I wasn't right. but I did it, will have very sassy pics to show my kids when I'm wicked wicked old...

and junior high was no fun. and that's where I spent the afternoon, agonizing over the fact that I did not have the right Esprit clothing or the right Tretorn sneakers, only the Bean boots of preppie dreamers everywhere... so the choice, on my part, to browse the untouched photos was a choice made without thinking- of my pleaser self, of my analytical self, of my nervousnelly awkward girl self. I wonder if the other women who have done this have had similar reactions or if they are just more fearless than I ?
Once I figure out how to do it, I will share. until then, I'm not looking at any photos. or any mirrors, for that matter.


Jen said...

I also think I look very awkward in photos. And in real life, if I see myself on video or in a mirror I didn't know what there. But! Mostly I feel okay about the way I look, but a few weeks ago I started really feeling awful about it. I saw myself in photographs and wondered why my face is so asymmetrical (my smile is also very one-sided). Now that my new crazy pills have started working, I feel okay about how I look again. It was like I saw myself just as twisted and distorted as I perceive the world around me, when I'm not properly medicated.

Anyway, glad you're feeling better.